


Evidence and Time

by Susanwiththescythe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coda, Emotionally Hurt Sam, Foreshadowing, Gen, Grieving Sam Winchester, Past Character Death, Post-Episode: s13e01 Lost and Found
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 18:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susanwiththescythe/pseuds/Susanwiththescythe
Summary: Sam's not going to cry for Mom. Not yet.





	Evidence and Time

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got round to acquiring Ep 1 of SPN 13 last night. Wrote this on my commute to and from work today. This is how Sam grieves, a vignette. Unbeta'd.

Sam's not going to cry for Mom. He's had her back all too brief a time for that. He refuses to believe the Darkness resurrected her only for this to be how it ends, just as he was really getting to know her.

He'll cry for Kelly. A good person in the wrong place at the wrong time, like so many people they've failed to save. He didn't ever really get to know her, but from the little Jack has revealed, it's obvious her influence is the reason they're not currently dealing with a rampaging hellspawn.

He's not going to cry for Mom. He knows it's habitual now for Dean to always believe the worst. His brother's patterns and instincts often serve them well, but this time, all of Sam's intuition is screaming at him that Dean's wrong and Mom's alive.

He'll cry for Crowley. He never thought he'd say that. Never thought he'd be friends with a demon again, especially after Ruby. Especially after what Crowley did to Sarah. What he did to Dean. Sam had been too caught up in things at the time, but when he looks back on it, he's sure Crowley suspected, if not downright _knew_ , taking on the Mark of Cain could, _would_ lead to Dean becoming a demon. Sam can't forgive that, but he can accept it. He almost died trying to cure Crowley, if he'd held out, gone the final step, Crowley wouldn't have been able to do what he did.

Besides, he'll never forget the sight of almost-human Crowley, screaming in desperation, that he deserves to be loved. The sadness and hope in his eyes borrowed from an all-too-human TV show that Sam's never even watched. But Crowley had. Somewhere along the line.

Moose, Samantha. Squirrel. You don't give people nicknames if you don't care about them. Sam just had no idea the King of Hell cared enough to give his life for the two of them, now feels guilty that he didn't know. The sea of shit the Winchesters swim in has led to their making questionable choices over the years. Maybe hanging around them had the reverse effect on Crowley.

Sam's not going to cry for Mom. She's from a family of hunters, born into it, generations of experience living on in her blood. He managed to drive out Lucifer and she is the woman who gave birth to him. He's not going to write her off just yet.

He'll cry for Cas, for who knows how long. None of the usual words work for Cas. _God bless him. God rest his soul. He's gone to a better place._ Their stubborn, brave, pretty boy angel. Sam's been to Heaven, but he doesn't know where angels go when they die. And given the number of times Cas has come back to them, it's not like Chuck ever gave him much of a rest. Maybe this time... but _fuck_ , if that's true, Sam will miss him. Maybe he's being selfish, wanting to pull his friend from his eternal rest. He doesn't care.

He remembers how humbled he was first meeting the angel, how tainted and unworthy he felt front of him. That never completely faded. They first became friends out of necessity, not because they particularly liked each other or had much in common. How could they? When Sam wasn't acting as insulating foam between his brother and the angel during a spat, their relationship was one of extremes. It was Cas who left Sam's soul in hell, Cas who tore his mind apart, Cas who gave Lucifer a ride out of the cage, who helped him torture Sam's soul again.

Sometimes, Sam thinks he should hate their friend for everything he's done. But he can't.

He knows what it's like to do all the wrong things for what you're sure are the right reasons. He's in no position to judge. And even if he were, he has so much to thank Cas for too.

When Sam - and he can admit this now, now it seems Cas's death might finally be the end for him - when Sam was determined to follow a dangerous, destructive path, to extract more of Gadreel's grace, giving no thought to what it might cost him, the angel refused. He saved Sam's life. Again. And when Billy wanted to reap a Winchester, Cas killed her. He saved them. Again. When Dean had the Mark and was spiralling away from him, from both of them, Cas was there through all of that, right up until Dean was a demon and Sam almost died at his hands. It was Cas who saved both of them. Who helped Sam wrestle his demonic brother back into the chair so Sam could complete the cure. He's been a part of their lives so long, Sam's still trying to piece together in his mind what a life without Cas might look like.

When he'd said to Jack, "He's dead," Sam hadn't truly believed it. It was just what had been true at the time and Lucifer's child was still so new in the world, he hadn't known what else to tell him. He'd stuck to the simplest truth, all the while hoping it would soon be a lie. Even not fully believing it hadn't made it any easier to say. And now, ridiculously, he feels like saying it aloud made it true.

He knows Dean's already prayed, with words and violence and blood. Sam sends a quick one up to Chuck anyway. Pragmatism mixed with sadness, just to complete the set. More out of habit than any hope of being answered. But at least it's done. _Just bring him back. We need him. Please, bring him back._

 

He'll cry for Kelly, for Crowley, for Cas, all of them. He'll let the tears flow freely down his face, silent in the passenger seat as Dean drives them and Jack back to the bunker. And for now, Dean'll be none the wiser about who's missing from the list. Sam's heard that tone before, the one that brooked no argument as the bodies burned. His brother is not in a persuadeable mood right now. Sam needs evidence, and time to find it.

But he's not going to cry for Mom. Sam knows Lucifer better than he knows anyone, even Dean. And he knows the devil never stops looking for an opportunity. He'll be searching for a way out, a way back to Jack, and if there's even a figment of a ghost of a chance that Mary Winchester could be useful in achieving those ends, she'll still be alive.

If Sam is crying for his Mom, it's not because she's dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I really loved a lot of things about this episode and thought it had some very good moments for both Sam and Dean (I shed actual tears multiple times) and it's left me really excited about were things might go this season. But as usual, Sam never really gets to process his trauma. I woke up this morning with this knocking around in my head, and as I'm struggling to make headway on two longer fics at the moment, getting it down in pixels felt like a good achievement. Side note: Ermahgerd, I wrote Gen. That never happens. Who am I and what have I done with real me?
> 
> Comments and/or concrit are love.


End file.
